rant.

I've come to realize that it's possible to love too much.

I'm preparing myself. What else can I do? I can't be caught off guard. Which is ironic, because I've never allowed my guard to be down for anyone before. I finally do, and well, I reflect on the consequences of that. Yet so easily, I let it back down again after all was said and done. This time, if there is a "this time", I'll be ready. And most likely, I won't let it back down again, if there is a "this time"..

I stood in the living room and argued with my father over the sincerity of the things I feel and of the promises I've been given. Telling him, "you don't understand. This is different.", is entirely undoable. He insists that I've been lied to and much more.

I wish I could prove it.

But I can't.

Then I think "maybe we'd be better off."

You make it very clear that you don't need me, when I eagerly admit that you're all I need.

If you don't need me, then what use am I to you anyway?

This only adds to how much I already hate my life.

The one thing that made it bearable, that made everyday something to look forward to, now has a dagger for a tongue, towards me, of all people.

I always find myself hated in these things.

There's something very wrong with me. Something unlovable.

It's been proved far too many times to deny it.

Time to fly.

It comes down to two options simply. Continue in a supposed state of security, subsequently miserable, or take the biggest chance of my life so far, and perhaps, be happy.

Why things aren't easy, I'll never know. I'd like to think that struggles make us stronger in some way. But it's more than that. I feel bound. Mostly by guilt, also by fear. I'd love to cast it all off, but I'm very aware of the consequences of that. I know the consequences of this choice. Still, there's a nagging in my heart warning me that if I pass this up, I'll one day regret it. Is it better to go out on a limb for your heart, risk it all at the chance of losing everything, or to hold onto security, live a drab life, wondering what that Summer would've been like. Wishing you could relive that choice. Sure, this is all I've ever known. Yes, I'm terrified of taking that first step. I'm terrified that I may have to come back with my tail between my legs. I argue with myself that there's nothing in this world more worth it than what I've chosen. There isn't, afterall.

"This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou cans't not be false to any man."
I believe it whole heartedly. Now to put it into practise.

- I realize how much I've missed. I'm ignorant to the things I should know so well, and for that, I hold resentment. It disheartens me,and makes this much harder than it should be. I'll not have my wings clipped any longer. They have long been beating against the walls of this cage, bruising me even more.

Time to fly.

Flight.

I feel so out of place here.

At this point, I want to get away more than I ever have before. I'm 18 now, an adult legally, though I've mentally been an adult for much longer. - I could so easily leave everything behind in a fleeting moment. There's not much that I would miss, and it would be awhile before I began to miss. But.. I keep a level head about things. I must have the start of my future in order before I jump and to be honest, I find that discouraging. I'm bound by responsibility, as I always have been. I've never tasted the teenage freedom of being able to just say "fuck you" to the things I need to do. I've never been carefree. Always worrying about this, that and the other and never feeling that I meet the standards that I should. I tire of it, though it is what drives me, I guess.

Mostly, I just want someone. Not just anyone. My someone. I'm restless for a warrior.

You are impossible.

But I have faith.

Only Richard Wagner can describe how I feel at the moment.
He and the thunderstorm raging outside of my window..

Amidst a house of sleepers.

The burning light of my night stand lamp welcomed a moth into my bedroom. Bouncing against the searing hot bulb, I can hear it's wings flip-flapping with pain. It knows what it wants. That light. That incandescent, perfect glowing that brightens everything around it, yet sears to the touch. It's something to love and adore, says the moth, something so beautiful must be touched, held, kissed. But it burns with a cold hatred. The moth knows the pain to come, insisting on fluttering around the perfectly shaped glass, touching again and again, each time burned. I wonder if the moth ever asks herself if it's worth it.

I'm laying in bed, turning into an insomniac. I only have a couple of chapters left of Platoon by Dale A. Dye, and when I've finished them, I think I'll lay here and contemplate the theory of reencarnation. I have one hour til I have to be up and dressed anyway.

03:11

I'm so tired. But I can't sleep, and neither do I want to.

It's seems that I complain too much, analyze too much, express too much. I say how I feel and I'm told that I feel too much, which still bothers me. I can't help how I feel.. or what words I use to describe it. My vocabulary is limited for what bounds in this heart of mine. I think it's very important for you to know how I feel, and likewise, I love knowing what you feel, think, and your general take on things. It interests me, YOU interest me.

I get to the point of wondering "Should I shut up? Have you heard enough of my ramblings?". Then I think that maybe you're just not used to having someone who cares so much. Maybe you think that I take things much too far, move way too fast. And I hope that you don't see that as a problem.

I'm so used to being able to make things better for other people. People that I don't even really care about. When it's you, the priority to turn things around goes up 10 city blocks. But I can't always make things better. In fact, here lately, I can NEVER make things better. So naturally, my mood goes down with yours, and that never makes for a good evening.

And even when I've overreacted at something you've said and am probably acting childish about it, I still wish that you could be laid against me, your lips on my shoulder, falling asleep as I scratch your back gently. Because truly, I just want to make things better. I'm sorry that I have a tendency to make them worse with my sharp tongue.


I know what I feel and you know what I feel. I love you.

Reactions.

They say opposites attract, and in some cases that is so. But not always. From personal experience, I can say that it is possible that two cut from the same cloth can fit like hand in glove. I believe that attractions happen chemically, without even so much as being aquainted with a person. How else do you explain that in most friendships, both parties magically "hit it off" upon meeting? Mind you, some people start off hating one another, and then one day run into each other and decide that they're best friends. Their chemicals mixed wrong.

Relationships can start like a science project. Smoke, bubbling, success! Or... foul smells, bubbling over, and in some cases, even an explosion. You could be casually walking down the street with friends and happen to look across the way for no particular reason, and spot someone. Someone whom you're immediately attracted to. It doesn't have to be a sexual attraction at all. You suddenly have a general interest in this stranger. And then, you lock eyes. Yes, they feel it too. Before long, you're immersed in conversation, or have at least swapped numbers. (Unless you're a shy person like me, in which case, you'd look away, shuffle off and never see them again, and regret it for days and days and days.. )

And in the case of hating someone's guts upon meeting, the chemicals meet mid-air and it's like a Mortal Kombat match. You can't stand the way they smell, look, speak, stand, OR you love everything about them and that confuses you, so you pretend to hate them when really, you just don't understand. But let's just say that you do hate them. Your chemicals and their's just weren't made to mix.

Now, I'm no scientist. But how I do love theories. Most of them probably seem silly, and I welcome retorts. I truly believe though, that chemicals and atoms and pheremones work around us to draw fellows into our midst. That's how people fall in love. It's also how people fall out of love. Chemicals can change, become stronger and weaker with time, different elements and temperatures. Unless of course there's more than just a chemical connection. A fate connection.. well that's in the heart and heavens, and nothing can change that.