rant.

I've come to realize that it's possible to love too much.

I'm preparing myself. What else can I do? I can't be caught off guard. Which is ironic, because I've never allowed my guard to be down for anyone before. I finally do, and well, I reflect on the consequences of that. Yet so easily, I let it back down again after all was said and done. This time, if there is a "this time", I'll be ready. And most likely, I won't let it back down again, if there is a "this time"..

I stood in the living room and argued with my father over the sincerity of the things I feel and of the promises I've been given. Telling him, "you don't understand. This is different.", is entirely undoable. He insists that I've been lied to and much more.

I wish I could prove it.

But I can't.

Then I think "maybe we'd be better off."

You make it very clear that you don't need me, when I eagerly admit that you're all I need.

If you don't need me, then what use am I to you anyway?

This only adds to how much I already hate my life.

The one thing that made it bearable, that made everyday something to look forward to, now has a dagger for a tongue, towards me, of all people.

I always find myself hated in these things.

There's something very wrong with me. Something unlovable.

It's been proved far too many times to deny it.

Time to fly.

It comes down to two options simply. Continue in a supposed state of security, subsequently miserable, or take the biggest chance of my life so far, and perhaps, be happy.

Why things aren't easy, I'll never know. I'd like to think that struggles make us stronger in some way. But it's more than that. I feel bound. Mostly by guilt, also by fear. I'd love to cast it all off, but I'm very aware of the consequences of that. I know the consequences of this choice. Still, there's a nagging in my heart warning me that if I pass this up, I'll one day regret it. Is it better to go out on a limb for your heart, risk it all at the chance of losing everything, or to hold onto security, live a drab life, wondering what that Summer would've been like. Wishing you could relive that choice. Sure, this is all I've ever known. Yes, I'm terrified of taking that first step. I'm terrified that I may have to come back with my tail between my legs. I argue with myself that there's nothing in this world more worth it than what I've chosen. There isn't, afterall.

"This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou cans't not be false to any man."
I believe it whole heartedly. Now to put it into practise.

- I realize how much I've missed. I'm ignorant to the things I should know so well, and for that, I hold resentment. It disheartens me,and makes this much harder than it should be. I'll not have my wings clipped any longer. They have long been beating against the walls of this cage, bruising me even more.

Time to fly.

Flight.

I feel so out of place here.

At this point, I want to get away more than I ever have before. I'm 18 now, an adult legally, though I've mentally been an adult for much longer. - I could so easily leave everything behind in a fleeting moment. There's not much that I would miss, and it would be awhile before I began to miss. But.. I keep a level head about things. I must have the start of my future in order before I jump and to be honest, I find that discouraging. I'm bound by responsibility, as I always have been. I've never tasted the teenage freedom of being able to just say "fuck you" to the things I need to do. I've never been carefree. Always worrying about this, that and the other and never feeling that I meet the standards that I should. I tire of it, though it is what drives me, I guess.

Mostly, I just want someone. Not just anyone. My someone. I'm restless for a warrior.