A new feeling.

I want to break someone's heart.
I want to, for once, feel like I am the one in control.
I need to feel that someone is waiting up for me, waiting for my call, puzzling why I would do and say the things I do.
Yes, I want someone to cry over me.
I want to feel that I am worth that.

But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I could never hurt someone intentionally like that. It's just not in me.

You can't keep what doesn't want to be kept.

I will not dwell on the fact that this isn't how we're supposed to be.

At this point, I'm not sure whether you still care for me or if I'm just a fixture.

You can't keep what doesn't want to be kept, and I couldn't keep you.

But I will not dwell. 

-

My Dad thinks that he can keep me forever. Maybe I'm being insensitive, but it seems that for the past 16 years, I've been under his proverbial thumb. Ever since I can remember, he's tried to establish himself as god.
Maybe I am being insensitive.
I've been straight forward and honest with him. When I turn 18 years old, I'll be moving away from home. He says that it would be the equivalent to spitting in his face. "After everything I've done for you, you're just going to run away. " I've pleaded, I've compromised, I've reasoned. I've explained over and over again that it's time for me to make my own choices, my own mistakes. It's time for me to start my own life.
He cusses, threatens and finally, he lays on ye olde guilt trip. I'm "breaking" his heart.
So, I act the bitch. I harden my nose, stick out my lip, and tell him exactly how I feel about it. Apparently, that's considered being disrespectful. He says that one day I'll regret this.
Whatever. I'm sticking to my guns.

Unwanted attention.

I never thought that being single again would be so complicated.
Apparently, over the past year, I've gathered quite a list of admirers who never made themselves known. Now that the supposed "opportunity" has opened, I've been swamped. And I wasn't quite ready for it.

The dog days are over.

Not the end.
No bitterness, no demands for reason, no compromising. I just let go. I knew it was coming somehow and instead of lying to myself for consolation, I just asked the question.
The parcel that got lost in the mail could've changed it all, but it didn't. It got lost. It's not exactly reading the innards of a chicken, it's clear.
These things happen. I know that by now.
My 17th year was a beginning. I  felt things I never have before. And now I've let go of them.
I've kept my promises and I don't regret anything. Still, it hurts.
I hate that I'm a female. Too easy to cry.
I think everyone in the library must know what's happened. Like they can read my face before I can run to the restroom to have a proper panic attack. 
It's not the end of the world. More like the end of an era. One that will take some getting over.

"Leave all of your love and your longing behind, you can't carry it with you if you want to survive. The dog days are over, the dog days are done, can't you hear the horses? 'Cause here they come.. "